Clearing out

2 days left at work after this one and I'm trying to clear out my personal files on my work PC. I found this Q&A in one folder and am about to delete it but thought I'd share it here first.

Your most marked characteristic?
My optimism or my curiosity

The quality you most like in a man?
Faithfulness/loyalty

The quality you most like in a woman?
A cracking sense of humour

What do you most value in your friends?
Their support

What is your principle defect?
Laziness

What is your favourite occupation?
Eating good food, drinking good wine, and having a friendly debate with good friends.

What is your dream of happiness?
Having enough money not to worry about having to work, to give myself and my loved ones the leisure time to travel extensively around a free and peaceful world. Having the energy to be generally more active and involved in more varied interests. Having bags of inspiration and the motivation to inspire others. Being surrounded by people who know and love and appreciate me.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
To lose the love of my partner and family and friends – the loss of my entire support network.

What would you like to be?
Eternally content

In what country would you like to live?
Canada

What is your favourite colour?
Blue

What is your favourite flower?
Stargazer Lily

What is your favourite bird?
Lovebird

Who are your favourite prose writers?
Michael Marshall Smith, Haruki Murakami, David Mitchell, Douglas Coupland

Who are your favourite poets?
Robert Frost, Edna St Vincent Millay, Roger Gough

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Stark (Michael Marshall Smith’s Only Forward)
Mr Tom (Goodnight Mister Tom)
Chris Chambers in Stand By Me

Who are your favourite heroines of fiction?
Matilda in Leon
Leeloo in The Fifth Element

Who are your favourite composers?
Beethoven, Rachmaninov, Chopin and Mozart

Who are your favourite painters?
Kandinsky, Van Gogh, Picasso, Dali

Who are your heroes in real life?
My mother, Michael Marshall Smith, Michael Palin

Who are your favourite heroines of history?
Florence Nightingale, Marie Curie

What are your favourite names?
Milly, Ellie, Sebastian, Oliver/Olivia, Samuel

What is it you most dislike?
Rudeness and dishonesty and intolerance

What historical figures do you most despise?
Stalin, Pol Pot and all the other people with no basic regard for humanity.

What event in military history do you most admire?
None, but I admire every one of the poor sods in the front line during WW1 & WW2

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Skill and confidence at public speaking

How would you like to die?
Peacefully and suddenly in my sleep

What is your present state of mind?
Calm and reflective

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
My love of food and my lack of perseverance with things that don’t interest me

What is your motto?
My heart is warm with the friends I make, and better friends I’ll not be knowing, yet there isn’t a train I wouldn’t take, no matter where it’s going.

Leaving dos

The last two or three weeks have gone by so slowly and I think it is because I am just cramming so much into them. There are so many people that we have had to say good bye to, so many things that we need to sort out before we go - bills to cancel, government bodies to inform, change of address forms to fill out etc etc. It makes me realise that the fuller I make my life the longer it will seem to be and so the answer to not having enough time to do things is to make yourself more and more busy!

We've had 7 leaving dos so far, and there's one more official one to go.

First up at the very start of August was a leaving do for my friends in Cheltenham. Alex was being very emotional which then made me more emotional - I wish it wasn't necessary for him to have to get so drunk before he can reveal his true feelings, but that's the way it's always been with him and me. Anyway he is very proud of us going out into the world and making the life that we want for ourselves. Matt was typically Matt with a little bit of sadness rolled in, Liz was in amazement that it was actually happening, Kel is determined that she will come over to see us next year but I have my doubts as she rarely travels, Sharon and Abi both had grumps on earlier in the evening with Matt and Alex but they calmed down and came out eventually. Matt and Sharon, Alex and Abi all reacted how I expected them to - happy but sad, excited but wary. Justin turned up much later and seemed disappointed that I was properly going. Ben was absolutely slaughtered and with a new 16 year old girlfriend who was equally mashed, so not much changes there, Clare was quite quiet but amiable and genuinely pleased for us. Cazz and Russ caught up with us later at Matt's house and Cazz acted particularly weirdly - she was far too breezy for the situation and I'm not sure if she was hiding being upset or genuinely not bothered.

The next day we had a garden party at my parents to say good bye to family and friends of family. Unfortunately Carol and Mervyn got stuck on the motorway and couldn't make it which upset me. But I still got the chance to say good bye properly to Maria and Brian, Michael, Kay and Dick and the Lamberts amongst others. They all say that they'll visit but I'm not sure that they will.

A week after that we had a party to say goodbye to Graham's friends - Hing-Yu and Ade and Sheila managed to come down for the day to join us, Ade and Ellie and Jon and Jenny. Unfortunatly Jeff and Kim forgot the date and by the time we phoned them they had arranged to do something else. That was a nice low-key night though, until Ellie nearly had me sobbing with her wrecked dreams of us having kids the same age growing up together.

The Friday before last we had Graham's work leaving do. We started off early with just Graham's team drinking cider and eating Sheree's homemade pasties in Berkely Square. Then we moved on to Wetherspoons to get cheaply drunk then onto Bar Ha Ha, Mbargo and later La Rocca club which played very cheesy music. A good night was had by all and Shaun got very drunk and emotional and kept hugging me.

The day after that I had the big Bristol Spaced Meet which I had practically organised all on my own. There were about 14 of us and we were supposed to be having a BBQ on the downs but it was too blowy so instead we had a couple of drinks then headed to Brandon Hill for a picnic and later to the Watershed for more drinking. I think most people had fun. It wasn't as classic a meet as the Greenwich one but it was more chilled out and more sober on my part. So that was a goodbye to my Internet buddies. I'm not sure I'm going to be active on that forum again - that meet was probably my last hurrah and now I think it might be time to quietly leave it behind.

Last Monday was supposed to be a girly leaving do with Kerrianne, Kate and Ange but Ange was ill so it was just the three of us. That didn't stop us from getting really drunk and silly and emotional though so we really lowered the tone of Hullaballoos where we had gone for a more upmarket meal.

Friday was my Bristol friends leaving do - mostly people from badminton and a few chemistry postgrads and undergrads, along with Kate and Rich, Ange and Stan and Ellie for good measure. The night went very smoothly and I somehow managed to remain a lot more sober than Graham for the third weekend in a row. Kerrianne was very very emotional and she got me at it too! We ended up in the Hatchet and when everyone else had gone home we stood on the dancefloor and watched Ellie doing cheesy dancing in her Hello Kitty t-shirt to metal and rock. It was quite a sight!

In between all those official leaving dos I have had some emotional, more personal farewells - most memorable being Ed who made me cry and Moz and Fix who managed to see me for one night before they returned to Germany. I have also seen Tristan a couple of times which has been nice. We did discuss doing lunch before I go but I don't know if I'm going to be able to fit that in now.

It's been an amazingly social time, and it hasn't been that emotional because of the sheer amount of people who realise "Shit! They're actually going!" and do everything they can to try and arrange another meeting with us before we go. So it seems it's never good bye but see you soon, whether we do see them soon or not!

3 more days to go at work after this one, a few more lunch dates and then it's one proper last leaving do (people from my work plus a few Bristol friends) on August 31st before we move out of Bristol for good. And then of course I have to say goodbye properly to my family, and that is going to be awful.

Camping out - middle class style

Yesterday James and Kate and Ali and John came round and took most of our furniture so now our flat is looking on the empty side. We sold our sofa and armchair and futon and dining chairs and 2 chests of drawers for £60 and a lift to the airport.

Graham is cleaning the mattress of our bed in order to sell it next week, so we've been camping out on the living room floor - it's quite exciting really in a sad and uncomfortable way!

Graham got an email this morning asking him to interview for the job at UBC and that really cheered us up as we thought they'd forgotten him. The interview date is 8th September which gives us a few days to sort ourselves out when we get there - we're flying over on the 3rd and moving into our apartment on the 5th. Meanwhile I've applied for 3 library jobs at UBC but haven't heard anything yet. I'm confident that I'll hear from them eventually though if I keep bugging them!

Got to go out, more updates later.

O Frabjous Day!

Today has been a very good day.

This morning Graham found an email in his inbox from the IT department of UBC asking him if he was still intending on coming over in September and if he is still interested in the job he applied for there in June - is he ever! They said there were a couple of openings in the Networking team and the tone of the email suggested that they were very interested in him.

Then this evening we got home to the long awaited passport requests!
We'll be going to London on Thursday to hand in our passports and picking them up 2 weeks later with the shiny shiny shiny visas in them. Soon I will be booking flights to Vancouver - we expect to land sometime in the first week of September.

Yay! I've been bouncing up and down like a loony with a big grin on my face ever since.

Our timeline:
Application submitted: 14th May 2004
AOR: 11th July 2004
Delay letter: December 2005
Medical and updated info request: 2nd May 2006
Medical taken: 8th June 2006
Medical results received at CHC: 28th June 2006
PPR: 3rd August 2006

I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is great. He wrote great poetry, great philosophical essays and has many brilliant quotes recorded from his writings, but the title of this blog entry is the one quote of his that really draws a parallel with my own life right now.

I have all these big plans about what my life will be like when I move to Canada - I'm going to spend loads of time hiking in the great outdoors; I'm going to volunteer for lots of charity work; I'm going to do tai-chi on the seawall at sunrise and then go for a swim before work; I'm going to go for a bike ride after work; I'm going to join the local community centre and not only sign up for things that I like such as badminton or cookery classes but also some things that I've never thought of before such as African drumming, pottery and belly dancing; I'm going to read lots of good books and poetry collections and start writing again...basically I'm going to get myself fit and fill my days with plenty of different experiences and lead a more fulfilling life.

But the reality is likely to be much much different from that dream. I'll probably end up being the me I am now only in a different place. I'll be too lazy to get up in the morning, I'll rush to work grabbing a coffee and muffin on the way, I'll sit behind a desk all day at work getting bored with uninspiring work and get no exercise which will make me feel tired and like doing nothing when I get home apart from cooking dinner and plopping down on the sofa in front of the TV. I'll still spend too much time on the Internet.

When I move away, I'm going to try to get away from the me that I am, the one that imposes all sorts of limitations on myself, towards the me that I want to be. I know that it's unlikely that I'll be able to escape myself completely, there are a lot of parts of myself that I really want to keep as it happens, but I do want a more fulfilling life and I must make myself do at least some of these things, otherwise what is the point in moving apart from a challenge and a change of scenery?

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

"The world belongs to the energetic."

"This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Indeed Mr Emerson, you are quite right.

Poetry

I'm enjoying reading a lot of Edna St Vincent Millay stuff at the moment...

Journey
Ah, could I lay me down in this long grass
And close my eyes, and let the quiet wind
Blow over me--I am so tired, so tired
Of passing pleasant places! All my life,
Following Care along the dusty road,
Have I looked back at loveliness and sighed;
Yet at my hand an unrelenting hand
Tugged ever, as I passed. All my life long
Over my shoulder have I looked at peace;
And now I would fain lie in this long grass
And close my eyes.

Yet Onward!
Cat-birds call
Through the long afternoon, and creeks at dusk
Are gutteral. Whip-poor-wills wake and cry,
Drawing the twilight close about their throats.
Only my heart makes answer. Eager vines
Go up the rocks and wait; flushed apple-trees
Pause in their dance and break the ring for me;
Dim, shady wood-roads, redolent of fern
And bayberry, that through sweet bevies thread
Of round-faced roses, pink and petulant,
Look back and beckon ere they dissappear.
Only my heart, only my heart responds.

Yet, ah, my path is sweet on either side
All through the dragging day,--sharp underfoot
And hot, and like dead mist the dry dust hangs--
But far, oh, far as passionate eye can reach,
And long, ah, long as rapturous eye can cling,
The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake,
Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road;
A gateless garden, and an open path;
My feet to follow, and my heart to behold.

Travel
THE railroad track is miles away,
And the day is loud with voices speaking,
Yet there isn't a train goes by all day
But I hear its whistle shrieking.

All night there isn't a train goes by,
Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming,
But I see its cinders red on the sky,
And hear its engine steaming.

My heart is warm with the friends I make,
And better friends I'll not be knowing;
Yet there isn't a train I wouldn't take,
No matter where it's going.


Song of a Second April
April this year, not otherwise
Than April of a year ago
Is full of whispers, full of sighs,
Dazzling mud and dingy snow;
Hepaticas that pleased you so
Are here again, and butterflies.

There rings a hammering all day,
And shingles lie about the doors;
From orchards near and far away
The gray wood-pecker taps and bores,
And men are merry at their chores,
And children earnest at their play.

The larger streams run still and deep;
Noisy and swift the small brooks run.
Among the mullein stalks the sheep
Go up the hillside in the sun
Pensively; only you are gone,
You that alone I cared to keep.


Inland
People that build their houses inland,
People that buy a plot of ground
Shaped like a house, and build a house there,
Far from the sea-board, far from the sound

Of water sucking the hollow ledges,
Tons of water striking the shore--
What do they long for, as I long for
One salt smell of the sea once more?

People the waves have not awakened,
Spanking the boats at the harbor's head,
What do they long for, as I long for,--
Starting up in my inland bed,

Beating the narrow walls, and finding
Neither a window nor a door,
Screaming to God for death by drowning--
One salt taste of the sea once more?


Ebb
I know what my heart is like
Since your love died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
Left there by the tide,
A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.


Once More Into My Arid Days
ONCE more into my arid days like dew,
Like wind from an oasis, or the sound
Of cold sweet water bubbling underground,
A treacherous messenger--the thought of you
Comes to destroy me; once more I renew
Firm faith in your abundance, whom I found
Long since to be but just one other mound
Of sand, whereon no green thing ever grew.
And once again, and wiser is no wise,
I chase your colored phantom on the air,
And sob and curse and fall and weep and rise
And stumble pitifully on to where,
Miserable and lost, with stinging eyes,
Once more I clasp--and there is nothing there.