Granddad

Well it has finally happened – my Granddad passed away last Thursday, 1st June – the night before my Gran’s birthday and 6 days before their 65th wedding anniversary.

He was a fantastic guy and I couldn’t have wished for a better Granddad – he was always my favourite. But I’m not sad that he is gone, in fact I’m happy that he has at last found release from the prison of his own mind and body. He had suffered from dementia, originally caused by arterial sclerosis, for the past 15 years or so. For the last 10 of those he had been living in a nursing home, for the past 7 he hadn’t known who I am and in recent years he didn’t know who anybody was, he became unable to speak words, do anything for himself and eventually became quite frail physically. He didn’t deserve any of it. If he had known how he was going to live the last years of his life I think he would have been mortified – he was such a strong, kind, intelligent, loving man.

I feel a bit mean not being sad at his passing, especially since my Mum and brother are taking it so badly. But there was a time, many years ago when I knew that Granddad no longer knew me and things could never be the same, when I grieved for him. Big, sobbing, painful grieving. After that I visited less and less, and accepted my loss of him, and moved on.

My Mum and Gran also grieved for him whilst he was still alive, but it’s different for them because they continued to visit him once, twice sometimes three times a week so they had no way of moving on – he was still very much alive to them, and he was still him, just a different sort of him. In the weeks before his death he even had a slight recovery of speech, started speaking proper words, held my Mum’s hand when she visited…so of course it is harder for her to accept that he’s finally, properly, gone. My Gran is feeling sad but relieved right now, but her life is going to change so much now, probably in ways she isn’t expecting. After 10-15 years of routine there is now emptiness – she is right to be keeping herself as busy as possible at this time.

As for my brother – I haven’t seen him this upset in a long while, but he’s never been able to deal with illness and death very well. Granddad was his favourite as well and I think he’s managed to ignore everything that’s been going on over the last 10 years, to blank it out. He didn’t grieve when I did, so he’s having to do it now. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t have a partner at the moment to help him through it. I feel for him, I feel for my Mum and Gran, and of course when it comes to the funeral I’ll genuinely be crying with them as I remember his life and what I have missed out on for all these years and what I have now lost forever. But I am thankful for all the time I got to spend with him growing up, and I am thankful at how loved he made me feel, and I am thankful that he no longer has to suffer.

If there is a heaven I hope he’s up there right now having a blast and making up for lost time, because he damn well deserves it.